ir, po velniu, as noriu namo
lieti asaras, leidziant sunkybems iseiti per krastus
praradau tiek, ko net kruopelyte neradau cia
as bijau sugrizti, bijau pamatyti visus, kuriuos myliu
keturis menesius negavus rysio, silumos, meiles, tikrumo - VISKO
bijau beprotiskai
kartais daugiau nei kadanors anksciau gailiuosi, kad kazkada padariau sita sprendima
stiprybes, daugiau nieko
noriu namo, kad ir kaip bijociau
labiau uz viska
viska
viska

smelis byrejo tarp pirstu

to nejutau

pabaiga,

o buvo

nuostabu

sunku -

it seems like the past 2 months love tries to come to me, but i just never let it in. 1,2,3,4..... i wish i could understand what do i have what attracts people. I wish i was not afraid

about friendship

when we get back to yours and i tell you to do whatever you like, you anyway say you want to stay with me. i'm feeling really happy about that; I've missed you. it is perfect to fall asleep next to you, to feel the warmth of the person I trust for more than 100%. You hug me and say that you really care about me. I don't want the morning to come, don't want you to leave and to see you again just in half a year ish. But it comes. We're standing outside, you hug me and say that we will meet soon. You turn around to go but suddenly come back and hug me again. And then; then you say that special three words and the sun is shining that strong that you start disappearing in that light. And I feel how sadness is filling my body and what can I say - i love you too and you are still one of my best friends

the beginning of my birthday will be sleepless, hah, as always. tonight feels strange, I'm listening to gospel music and can't believe I'll see my parents tomorrow(which is the best gift of all). Just one thing - I wish I had some of my friends to share my 18th tomorrow.

I thought I don't like birthdays but now i realize it's the time when people remember you, even the ones who you would think have already forgotten about you.

Anyways, lets see what happens tomorrow, I bet it will be amazing.

x

sleepless nights and 'you really make me laugh, you could really talk for England!'

i'm really missing my family. 2 days to go

'no'

it always hurts saying 'no' to people who fall for you. it always happens and it kills me, because it kills the others. you said things what just few people are able to say, something what always makes me think and become stronger and i wish i liked you really, because you are a good guy. i'm so sorry

it was like a scale. you made me sketch it up as a 'smiling' parabola and then suddenly I had to go all way down. now i like you a little more but still as always - i am too afraid

difficult times always create opportunities for you to experience more love in your life

evenings

drinking games and 'if you don't like her it's just because she's hot'
party animals live in here and sometimes it's bloody good to have an evening with them!
anyways, I have college tomorrow and i need to get a good night sleep
cheers mates, I love doing my fake british accents like 'hellooo i'm from yooooooorkshire!'

btw, today I've posted one of my old music parts and got some really nice pm messages about that. it is so unspeakable when your creations make someone feel something good or new
here it is:

dreams

today when I woke up it was the first time I wished it was one of the night wake ups when I fall asleep again after few minutes and in the morning don't remember what I have dreamt about
but at the same time after dreams like that I can understand what hides deep inside of me

start new game

po ilgų, nuobodžių ir vienišų dienų pagaliau atėjo lauktasis sekmadienis ir įsikėlė daugiau žmonių. mūsų virtuvė buvo it susitikimų štabas, įeidinėjo ir išeidinėjo vis daugiau žmonių. vienu metu sėdėjau ant virtuvės stalo prie viryklės ir tiesiog mėgavausi visu tuo šurmuliu - man to labai reikėjo. visi tokie skirtingi, bet aiškiai matosi, jog visi jaučiasi ištrūkę iš tėvų glėbio ir nori gerai praleist laiką. man keista, kad pati to niekad nejutau, nesijaučiau pabėgus ir nenorėjau 'nusitūsint' - kaip tik viskas apsivertė: susidėliojau vertybes į vietas, pasidariau savarankiškesnė. kai grįžau į angliją, labai džiaugiausi išgirdus iš tokio daugelio žmonių, kad šneku žymiai mažiau, esu tylesnė - džiaugiuosi tuo, kad ir kaip bebūtų keista. man niekad nepatiko ši mano savybė, jog esu plepi. per plepi. bijojau, kad labai jausis skirtumas tarp manęs ir žmonių aplinkui - kolkas visi, kuriuos teko sutikti - britai, tad esu vienintelė, kurios gimtoji kalba ne anglų. man net nieko nesakant apie tai jau vien per vakar dešimtys žmonių klausė kur išmokau tokios anglų kalbos ir buvau labai tuo patenkinta, nes tai pridėjo pasitikėjimo savimi kalbant jų kalba.
esu pasiryžus mokytis iš visų jėgų, bet lygiai taip noriu ir rasti laiko pasilinksminimams(beje, tai čia supratama šiek tiek kitaip), bet nežadu atsisakyti tam tikrų vertybių dėl kvailų poelgių.
live for today, but think about tomorrow, urte